Shoulding

            Years ago, I played a respectable game of golf except for one thing. I had a horrible tendency to slice the ball to the right every time I had to hit it for distance using a driver or long iron. One summer Saturday I decided to go to a local golf driving range and hit golf balls until I corrected what I was doing wrong. I hit half a bucket of balls with little success. Then something special happened.
            A young woman wearing a sweat suit emblazoned with the logo of a nearby university and the words ‘Women’s Golf Team” approached and asked if she could make a suggestion. I immediately said yes. She told me she’d been watching my struggle and thought she might have a helpful idea. 
            She pointed out when I was using a long ball club, I seemed so focused on improving my distance I unconsciously changed my grip on the club. This, she offered, resulted in an awkward hold that was likely causing my slice. She showed me a different hand position and asked if I’d like to try it.  I said yes. Within minutes my golf balls were flying off the tee 200 or more yards down the middle of the fairway.  
            I thanked the young woman profusely. She said I was very welcome then added, “I watched for 15 minutes before I decided to approach you. I saw you were holding the club in a way that made good shots difficult. I was confident a simple change would help so here I am.” I thanked her for caring and she responded, “Glad I could help then adding, your swing was driving me crazy!”
            That young woman taught me two lessons that day. She helped me improve my golf game but also demonstrated how to be helpful to others.  Never once did she tell me what I ‘should’ do. Instead, she asked questions, made suggestions, demonstrated hand positions then let me work them into my swing in my own way. 
            She began by asking, “Are you trying to send your ball off to the right as is sometimes necessary on golf courses with dog leg fairways or is it happening by accident?” She listened closely as I told her I wanted my golf balls to go strait but couldn’t figure out how to do it.  She offered a suggestion and asked me to try it several times to see if it was comfortable for me. I did, it was and within a few shots my performance dramatically improved. The ball was going where I wanted it to go.  Her calm non-insistent style made it easy for me to make changes. She was a fellow golfer trying to help me solve a problem rather than a “know-it-all” ‘shoulder’ emphasizing my ineptitude and telling me what to do. I appreciated it.
            Today when I see someone who appears in need of help, I think of the young woman who helped me. I try not to ‘should’ them (or myself for that matter). Instead I ask if I can help. If they say yes, I ask what they’re trying to do. If it seems appropriate, I suggest options. Once they decide what they want to do, I step back into support mode and let them work out the details of implementing a suggestion on their own.  
           As I think about it, I realize that young woman, so many years ago in addition to golf tips, taught me the difference between ‘shoulding’ and helping. One makes the recipient feel less about themselves and the other, the hero of their own story.