With these words, nineteenth century American humorist, writer and entrepreneur Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) offered his formula for success. By ignorance he wasn’t promoting lack of education. He was acknowledging success comes more readily to people who believe what they want to do is possible. By confidence, he meant seeing oneself actually doing something even if others have failed at the task. Twain’s success notion underpins the stories and suggestions in “Manage Your Life: Active Responses to Challenges.” 
            The book tells true stories of people who reaped great rewards for taking on and handling a challenge. I am alive today, for example, because my parents and I along with courageous doctors believed surgery could correct a deadly birth defect that wasn’t noticed until I reached my teens. The story, including its many life-altering impacts, is told in the book.
            “Manage Your Life…“ is a comfortable read. Each chapter addresses a single life challenge using examples and stories. Readers tell me going through its pages is more like receiving useful advice from a trusted friend than reading the text in a how-to manual. 
            Contained in its thirty chapters are clear and concise explanations as to: why what we think is important; how we can bring love into our life; how to make a job work for us as well as an employer; how to age gracefully; how to complain so others will listen; why it’s important to watch what we say; how to deal with a loss; and much more. 
       “Manage Your Life: Active Responses to Challenges…” can be purchased through major on-line book sellers (Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.) in hardcover, paperback and ebook formats. It can also be ordered through local bookstores. 
            

               Working with others is not always easy when the stakes are high and emotions aroused. Disagreements can quickly escalate into unpleasant arguments. Apart from the damage it causes to relationships, getting into an argument can lead to missed opportunities. It can also make you look foolish. All of these realities landed on me at a business meeting when I was a young manager. 
            The institution where I worked was about to invest several million dollars in the construction of a building that would primarily house units I supervised. During planning, the CEO convened a meeting of institution department leaders. He wanted to familiarize them with the project and provide input. Several of my colleagues seized the opportunity to suggest changes to portions of the building so it would better serve their needs. I saw their proposals as financially, physically and practically detrimental to my operations. I became frustrated, lost my temper and loudly proclaimed the building was intended for my units therefore its design should be left to my team. 
            The CEO paused, leaned forward and calmly said, “Let’s get something straight. This facility will be financed, built, owned and operated by this institution. That means it is intended to benefit all staff and clients.” Looking at me he added, “You’ve been selected as the caretaker. You were chosen because your units will be the major tenants and your background, experience and track record suggests you’re the best person for the job. However… while you will oversee the building, its use will be for all employees not just those in your areas. Everyone in this room therefore has a stake in its construction and operation. This means they have the right to suggest things they think will enhance its value to them.” I got the message. I listened more and spoke less. The building was built to the general satisfaction of all. 
            The CEO's comments had lasting impact. Days after the planning session, I was still reviewing my meeting behavior. Usually amicable and cooperative I realized I did, at times, lose my temper. Thinking about those meetings, I also realized almost every time I lost my temper, I lost the argument under discussion. When I was calm however,  even if seething inside, I seldom lost. I wondered why?  
            The answers was in a text on interpersonal relations. Among other things, it said anger upsets people because it is an aggressive act. It reeks of disrespect toward those on the receiving end. Depending on what is said, it may even be used to imply recipients are slow-witted, foolish or malicious. These notions are sure to be taken badly and result in a verbal counterattack or the dismissal of the perpetrator’s comments and ideas. Either response makes constructive action difficult. 
            Reading further, I found frustration and anger are fear-based emotions that trigger our subconscious fight or flight instinct. Apparently, when our mind senses a threat, it permits the subconscious to take control. Blood flow is diverted from the brain to major muscle groups and organs deemed essential to fighting or running away. When blood is drained from the brain however, thinking and reasoning abilities are diminished. No wonder I lost arguments when angry. Neither I, nor the recipients of my words were reasoning effectively. Fortunately, I also learned it's possible to counteract this subconscious activity.
            We can do it by pausing before uttering or responding to angry outbursts. A pause buys time for the rational mind to assess a situation and determine if a fight or flight response is needed. A pause permits us to cool off and tone down emotions. A pause gives us time to pick up hints about an opponent’s motives and objectives. It’s not unusual for someone, in the heat of an argument, to reveal unknown factors at play (personal feelings, objectives, special interests, alliances, biases, etc.). This information can be of great help in negotiating a satisfactory resolution. 
           I found there are two types of people who are particularly adept at arguing. Knowing this fact can be of great value should you encounter them. The first type include people who feel they deserve by birthright, training, education, professional or social status a prominent voice in the decision-making of any group to which they belong. Working successfully with them requires finding ways to massage their egos while still focusing on issues and reason.
             The second category consists of argument actors. These are the people who use the appearance of anger to bully people into complying with their ideas. They know evoking an emotional response from an opponent inhibits their reasoning ability. Argument actors also use fear-filled threats to promote their positions. Their actions boarder on extreme but the antidote is again to once again pause and calmly respond with reason rather than rancor. It may not be easy when an argument actor is in full throat, but it can be very effective.  
            Most arguments are won or lost for reasons apart from the topics in dispute. We improve our chances of success when we remain calm, minimize fear and permit rational thinking to identify workable alternatives. The loudest voice may get the most attention but it is the calm reasoned one that more often wins the argument. re won or lost for reasons apart from the topics in dispute. We improve our chances of success when we remain calm, minimize fear and permit rational thinking to identify workable alternatives. The loudest voice may get the most attention but it is the calm reasoned one that more often wins the argument.