Let Go!

              I was visiting patients in my role as a hospital chaplain when a woman asked for advice on a problem unrelated to her illness. She said she was struggling with change. “I want to know how to deal with the constant parade of life altering things I’m facing,” she said.“I’m in my late 50’s, happily married, a parent, successful in business and active in my community. I enjoy my life but it is being threatened by change.” I asked for specifics.    
           She said her son, like his sister the year before, recently left home to attend a distant university. “I’m happy they’re both going to school but I miss them dearly. I know I’m wrestling with empty nest pangs but that’s just the latest of my concerns.”  She went on to say she was having difficulty accepting the departure of family, close friends and neighbors through death, retirement to warmer climates, low maintenance condominiums or senior housing. “I’ve always counted on these people for social activities and support but the pool of them is drying up. Making things worse,” she added, “my husband and I are beginning to deal with old people’s ailments. I have arthritis, he has some memory loss and we both suffer from a variety of aches and pains. Doctor visits are replacing night’s out as regular events in our routine.” She then said, “These changes are not part of the picture I have for my life.” Bingo! She revealed the major factor in her difficulty. She was clinging to a long- standing picture of what her life should be. This was keeping her from dealing effectively with what is.
               We humans are a creative bunch. We visualize what we think we want starting well before we are able to directly pursue it.  The process begins shortly after birth. We form pictures of life as we think it should be. Two themes dominate. Those born into families that relish discovery, wonder, awe, growth and change, create pictures that feature openness to ideas and circumstances. Those born into families where certainty and strong right and wrong notions dominate, tend to create fairly rigid life pictures where change is often seen as an obstacle to be controlled or overcome.
            Over time, these pictures become mental absolutes. We judge new input in terms of our pictures. Thoughts events and discoveries that seem to alter or contradict our life picture prompt discomfort, frustration and opposition.  
                My hospital patient had a picture of her life as she felt it ‘should’ be. She lived comfortably with it until changes directly challenged it by making lifestyle alterations unavoidable. She was struggling to make new realities fit into her picture and losing the battle. An old story illustrates how our life pictures affect our thinking. 
           An early twentieth century shoe manufacturer, faced with stagnant sales, wanted desperately to improve his fortunes. A review of his options led him to consider expanding sales to underdeveloped nations in Africa and Latin America. He decided to send representatives to check the feasibility of selling in these areas; one agent went to sub Sahara Africa and the other to Latin America. Before long he received two short but vastly different telegrams. 
              The man in Africa reported: “No sales here! The people don’t wear shoes.” However, the wire from Latin America said: “Unlimited sales potential here! The people don’t wear shoes!” Each representative arrived at his destination with a life picture of what could be accomplished. The first, expected lack, found it and reported accordingly. The second held a different picture. He saw opportunity and reported so. 
               Our life pictures may make us feel safe but, as history suggests, the opposite is most often true. Maximizing life’s opportunities requires seeing things as they are. We must have pictures that are flexible and open if we are to permit the good we seek to reach us. Fortunately, directions for addressing this task are readily available simply by observing nature. 
              Consider water. It seldom flows directly from point to point unless it is through a man-made canal. Instead, it regularly adjusts to changing circumstances by changing its form. In moderate temperatures, it flows as a liquid. In cold climates, it becomes a solid (ice). Should it encounter extreme heat it becomes a gas-like entity (steam). 
               In liquid form it handles obstacles such a rocks and boulders by flowing around or eroding them. As ice, it coats obstacles then moves them by facilitating avalanche type slides or by regular freezing and thawing that can ultimately cause them to break into smaller pieces. As steam, water moves over obstacles with the wind. While water is always water it does not cling to a single vision of itself or its’ surroundings. It adjusts to changes in circumstances while constantly moving forward. 
            Humans, like water, have the ability alter and persevere. Unlike water, we can also do more than react. We can use consciousness and reasoning to weigh options and choose paths to follow. But these abilities come with a problem. We can also create mental pictures of the life we desire regardless of the circumstances around us.
             We call on these pictures when we encounter a need for change. The problem is in our tendency to assume how we should deal with a change based on our picture. It becomes particularly acute when a need or opportunity demands flexibility. American poet Robert Frost highlighted this challenge in his poem, “The Road Not Taken.” 
            In the poem, Frost tells of coming upon a split in the path while hiking. One trail, he notes, was clearly the most followed because it was well worn. The other appeared only lightly used. His experienced based life picture told him to take the well-used trail, as it was likely to be the safest. Instinct suggested the alternate. He thought over his options then ignored his life picture. The last line of his poem says, “I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.” 
            Clinging to a life picture because it makes us feel comfortable and safe is a reason for steadfastness - but not a good one. Change needs flexibility, openness and opportunity if it is to lead to creative and productive results. When we see only obstacles in change we surrender our opportunity to grow in knowledge and spirit. 
            The woman I spoke to in the hospital was struggling because her life picture did not accommodate the type changes she was experiencing. She had not yet discovered that change, in addition to taking things out of our lives, can also enrich them. Change brings ideas, happenings, experiences and people with it.  
            If you want a life filled with richness and satisfaction, appreciate the past then let it go. Embrace change. Step onto Frost’s “path less traveled.” It may just make all the difference in your life.